Bill's Dairy

November 24th

Christmas gig at The Beehive, Swindon where "landlord of the year" Andy provided turkey sandwiches and mince pies. We played "pass the parcel" and sang songs of a gurt festive nature and everyone laughed and a lot of them were called Jeff (or Geoff).

November 12th
Crackin' first gig at the Royal Portland Arms in Fortuneswell on Portland. We were in competition with a "gentlemen's evening" at a venue down the road but The Lovely Lola (three times winner of a thong for Europe) won the day at our gig and the fine gentlemen and lovely ladies of fair Fortuneswell were not disappointed. They liked the music too!

October 1st
First gig at The Barton Inn in Barton St. David. Gurt smashin' crowd, gurt genial hosts and Tom from Devon was fairly unoffended when I sang "Imagine (There's No Devon)". Roastin' up on stage "with shirts all soaked in sweat".

September 16 th & 17th
Two Nights At The Smarmes Arms. Two great nights bringing entertainment what normally performs in me boozer in Twerton to The Ring O' Bells in Widcombe, Bath. The Bland Brothers were beige, (or was it the Beige Brothers being bland?) Jeremy Creve-Coeur was gloriously urbane and me new cleaner Vera Suckworth found a new direction as a singer and pole dancer. A jolly time was had by all.

September 3rd
Another good'un at The Queens Head in Box. We all had a substantial meal from Dean's kitchen. I fell asleep under the stage and didn't wake up until halfway through the first number.

July 9th
Played at the Archangel Hotel in Frome as part of the Frome Festival. A crackin' gig and we were looked after with great care by the staff of the pub.

June 18th
Our annual piss-up in a brewery at Bath Ales Brewery in Warmley. 'Twas a wild and wooley day and we entertained the riders on the Bath Ales Biking Bonanza charity bike ride in aid of Frenchay Hospital Burns Unit. See us at this gig on YouTube. Rupert and family nowhere to be seen.

May 7th
Fab gig at The Queens Head in Box. Members of the local Mothers Union were a new presence and it just goes to show how all minorities are fully accepted at our gigs.

April 28th
Gig at The Beehive, Swindon. The night before the Will & Kate royal wedding so I wore me red, white and blue, and sang one of Charles's favourite songs D.I.V.O.R.C.E. except I changed it to C.O.C.A.I.N.E., Charles's & Camilla's current recreational drug of choice. (Allegedly.)

March 5th
Played at The Old Barn Club in Yeovil. Truly a barn of a place when empty which it mostly was. A sprinkling of Smarme fans made it worthwhile and Mr Turner was there, notching up his 1500th appearance as a Smarmite. In the dressing room was a mirror ball and a smoke machine still in their boxes. Resisted the temptation to put them under me coat on the way out.

January 12th 2011
Gig at The Thunderbolt in Bristol. A good turnout of young and old. Went down really well.

December 18th 2010
And just so I don't get too carried away with our undoubted greatness, I overheard one funster at the end of this private party saying "We could have done without the band and just had the DJ !!" She had a point, but I think some people enjoyed it.

December 12th
Sunday lunch gig at The Bell in Bath. Though I say it meself, 'twas another Bell Christmas classic of epic proportions. And the only humbug was that what was passed (in-joke).

December 6th
Not so much a gig but a party to mark the opening of the Gem Saloon, run by me cousin Colin Smarme, Sherrif of Bodge City. We dragged a few old favourites out the closet and the day was notable for a repeated falling-over demonstration by One-Drum.

December 4th
Cranmore Village Hall, near Shepton Mallett. Shared the bill with The Mendip String Band enabling Kevin Brown and meself to hurl insults at each other. What fun we had!

November 27th
The Queens Head, Box. A small but appreciative audience (not the same one!) fronted by Richard Laughalot ensuring maximum guffawing in all the right places. Your cheque's in the post, Richard.
Someone laced my drinks with the clear intention of making me forget my words.

November 20th
Second (and last) gig of the tour at The Globe in Sampford Peverell. A small but appreciative audience.

November 19th
Return to The Quicksilver Mail in Yeovil. First gig of our "Unplugged and Unhinged" Tour of the south-west, so we stayed overnight in salubrious accommodation provided by our genial host, Pete. Great gig.

October 17th
Sunday lunch with Bill Smarme at Widcombe Social Club. Roast beef with all the trimmings followed by us ! No reports of indigestion though some disgruntlement at the lack of pudding. The perfect opportunity for our version of that great Spencer Davis hit "Gimme Some Pudding"!

September 30th
Gig at The Beehive, Swindon. (Not to be confused with The Griffin in Frome!) The evening did not start well with the Smarmobile suffering a flat tyre on the way there. However OneDrum the driver changed the wheel in 12 minutes - a remarkable achievement. Highlight of the gig was an appearance by someone known only as "Mr K." who guested with us on kazoo having previously smuggled the instrument into the pub in a sitar case! Mr K. then presented yours truly with a T shirt reading "Bill Smarme for Pope". A fine sentiment and food for thought.

September 4th
Didmarton Bluegrass Festival. Always a cracker this one and our biggest audience since the last time 2 years ago. A sweaty, hyperventilating Smarme was interviewed by Stroud FM immediately after the gig - not my best interview ever!

July 23rd
Played on the Cabaret Stage at Trowbridge Folk Festival. Second set at 12.30 am. Managed to stay awake by eating several substantial meals.

July 17th
Gig at a beer festival at the "Live and Let Live" pub in Frampton Cotterell. The punters seemed to enjoy it as we got near the end and went wild when we finished. Drinking beer seemed to be more important to them than live music. Strange.

June 19th
Played at Bristol Biking Bonanza, a charity cycling event based at Bath Ales Brewery. You can't beat a good piss-up in a brewery. Floor show courtesy of a Phil Silvers lookalike.

June 9th & 10th
Two nights playing at Woods Restaurant as part of Bath Fringe Festival. The theme was "bad taste" with dress code to suit. Winner first night was a man with his willy hanging out. Second night was even worse - Jane Austen period costume !

June 13th
Widcombe Rising street party. Sunny weather once again for this glorious event with a big wheel, dog show, acrobats, pirate costumes and lots of music. We appeared on the West End Stage late afternoon. After that it started to rain so we dived into a bar where women were taking off their clothes and fighting. So, something for everybody.

April 24th 2010
At the Queen's Head in Box "Micky Tenfinger's amp finally gave up the ghost after years of abuse. Dean the landlord threw out an abusive customer then became abusive himself by heckling the band at every opportunity. The rest of his family started to join in and the gig degenerated into chaos with the bar being completely wrecked and two customers admitted to hospital." (News Of The World).

March 31st & April 1st
Performed our new show "A Man Walks Into A Bar..." at the Rondo theatre in Bath. "A small miracle of modern theatre went unnoticed by the media and so critical acclaim was not forthcoming. The audience loved it though and Bill Smarme & The Bizness's cult status was further reinforced." (Lola Smarme, Brassiere Weekly).

February 8th
Annual visit to the Two Pigs in Corsham. A small contingent of FABS from Bristol showed real dedication to all that is Smarme.

January 22nd
Another new gig at The Quicksilver Mail in Yeovil. It was a good 'un. Friendly folk and luxurious changing room with a bed in it which meant I could have a kip at half time.

January 8th 2010
It's good to be back, it's good to be back - in Bristol - at The Thunderbolt. First gig in Bristol for donkeys' years and it was great to see some old faces. Cool boozer and people. Snow and ice meant the first part of my journey to this gig was by sledge! So a good turnout considering the wintery conditions.

December 17th 2009
Last gig of the year at the Ritz Acoustic Club Christmas party in Burnham-on-Sea. Well received. Decided not to go for a paddle.

December 13th
Lunchtime gig at the legendary Bell in Bath. Pulled out all the stops on the Christmas front. See photos. People came from far and wide and then went back again presumably. Even Andy from The Beehive was there.

December 4th
Played in Bath Christmas Market in the late afternoon. A merry time was had by all. Chocolates were distributed to the poor and needy but sadly Santa never found his "Ho". A convival hour was spent in the Crystal Palace where we warmed up for the final set. It's a hard life.

December 3rd
The first of our Christmas season at The Beehive in Swindon. Always a good'un. Sandwiches and a fag at half time make it home from home. (Sandwiches supplied by genial landlord Andy).

Ocober 17th
Our regular gig at The Queens Head, Box. My status as a sex god was reinforced by the adulation I received from some new groupies proving that the black string vest was well worth the investment.

October 3rd
Beer festival at The Wellington Pub in Bristol. An outdoor gig - a wet day rather put the dampeners on it but we had a laff! Great sound engineer in the shape of Aaron Sayers of Track21 - highly recommended.

October 2nd
But the second night at Woods was a stormer. Everybody liked us and we liked everybody.